There are those days when I see a clear reflection of my mom in the mirror. My behaviors, mannerisms, even the foods I choose for breakfast are a part of her. I never realized it before. One evening in particular, I sat down to watch TV in a vintage maroon velvet housecoat that zipped up the front. I found it in a thrift store when looking for a costume for the Renaissance Festival and couldn’t bring myself to pack it away afterward. I liked it. It was pretty and comfortable. The velvet was soft to touch and it fit me perfectly. I studied the remote carefully as not to accidentally switch the subtitles to Spanish—which I had done numerous times in the past, propped my feet up on the ottoman and what ensued next was a blindside of emotion. I began to sob. I was not prepared for the rush.

My “stretched out” white socks were twisted on my feet, heels up. I saw my mom in that moment. Heard her laugh, saw her face—in what I was wearing, the bowl of cereal I was eating, and especially in the twisted socks on my feet. She is a part of who I am. I realized that no matter the fact she no longer wants me in her life, I certainly carry her with me every day.

At first, this epiphany rattled me to uncontrollable sobs. However, after the initial release of sadness, anger, and disappointment passed, I realized it was comforting to feel my mom with me. It soothed me to realize I must also be with her. She must see me in her reflection; I surely cross her mind with a smile, or a song. I am with her and she with me. Still.

Living with estrangement and the loss of relationships can be an emotional roller coaster. The sudden waves of grief and sadness can feel overwhelming, especially when triggered by unexpected moments. But there’s a certain peace that comes from recognizing the connections that remain.

Even in estrangement, the bonds we share with loved ones continue to shape us. We carry pieces of them in our habits, our preferences, and our hearts. This realization doesn’t eliminate the pain of separation, but it can provide a sense of continuity and comfort. It reminds us that love and connection are not so easily severed.

For those navigating similar journeys, know that it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions. It’s okay to mourn the loss while also cherishing the memories and influences that persist. Allow yourself to grieve, but also embrace the parts of your loved ones that live on within you. They are a testament to the enduring nature of relationships and the ways they shape our lives.

As you move forward, find solace in the knowledge that you are never truly alone. The essence of those we love remains with us, guiding us, comforting us, and reminding us of the shared experiences that make us who we are. Embrace these moments of connection, and let them be a source of strength and healing on your journey.